Have you seen Crazy Dog Walking Lady? Oh wait, there she is. *sees own reflection in a car window as she’s pulled along by a pack of dogs itching to get on with their morning pee*
We have two dogs. Well, more like one and half since one small dog + one smaller dog add up to one whole dog with some extra fur left over. For the past month we’ve also had a guest dog.
Her name is Jazz but we like to call her “Jazz Paws” while doing Jazz Hands in the air. She just stares at us blankly. Dogs clearly don’t understand Broadway references (unless you’re referring to the musical Cats. they love/hate that one).
Now that I’m seeing this photo up close, I have to say Jazz looks a tad “taxidermied.” She’s actually quite lively in person canine. Too lively even—this girl requires four walks a day. That’s a lot for a lazy bitch like me (not a curse word in dogspeak by the way).
It’s impossible to teach dogs to use the toilet
Jazz also refuses to use the yard. To date, nary a droplet of her pee has graced our lawn. So even in the rain after I’ve flat ironed my hair, or during a busy work day, or when I’m exhausted, we walk, and stoop and scoop.
I call this photo, “Dog In A Fog.” For effect I let go of the leash. Cool for the shot, no so cool that the dog spotted a rabbit and took off after it into someone’s backyard. And the headline reads: “Crazy Dog Walking Lady Lurks In Neighbour’s Yard After Dark.”
At least it was Jazz who ran off this time. Roger is generally the bolter. Let me tell you, roaming the neighbourhood shouting, “Roger! Roger!! Come Roger!” makes me sound like crazy jilted person.
Walking three dogs at once can be a challenge
Especially when carrying a coffee and talking on the phone. Please, don’t attempt this. This level of dog walking is reserved for Crazy Dog Walking Ladies only.
Dog walkers must keep their wits about them
If you have a “reverse sod kicker”, you’d best take cover post-defecation. As soon as I stoop to scoop, Roger begins enthusiastically kicking dirt and grass in the general direction of his drop zone. Have I ended up with a face full of grass? Why yes I have.
Random tanglings are a hazard
I’ve nearly been taken down by an leash around the ankle more than once. And there was the incident when Maya’s extenda-leash nearly decapitated Jazz. Maybe not decapitated, but it looked uncomfortable. You also never know when a dog will wind themselves around a static object. Well, you might not know, but I do. This dog wraps herself around anything and everything, always.
Puppy Parkour
This is when a dog reverses up an object—usually a tree, fire hydrant, or fence post, and pees while balancing vertically in her two front paws. Weirdo.
Poop Bag 101
1. Avoid using clear bags (like the kind you put produce in at the grocery store). Fellow walkers really don’t want to see your dog’s bounty.
2. Bring plenty of bags with you every time. And if you’re walking three dogs, bring even more. You never want to be caught bagless and have to resort to picking up after your dog with a Tim Horton’s napkin you found in the gutter. Those napkins aren’t large. And they’re definitely not big enough to wrap the full way around your dog’s business.
This means you’ll have to walk home carrying your dog’s excrement open-faced, your arm outstretched in front of you because the further away from your nose, the better. And you know your neighbours are watching because you look like the leader of some kind of dog parade—a leader who happens to be carrying a pile of dog poop in her hand. And you know they’re saying, “Look, there goes Crazy Dog Walking Lady.”
Hey, want to know more about Roger? You can read about him HERE.
